Lately

Lately i've been thinking a lot about my Dad. A lot about how he feels, I wonder what he thought when he decided to sleep with another women besides his wife. I wonder how he felt when he was leaving his children. I wonder what it was like for him to just simply walk away from everything he had. I want to know how he felt when i started balling because i realized what he was doing. I want to know exactly how he feels after all these years. I want to know how he feels about not having the same relationships with his children as he did back then. I want to know just how he feels inside.  I just want to know if he felt any sadness at all. If he didn't, then fine.

I would just like to pick through his head and i just want him to realize how him leaving screwed with my emotions. I mean, i don't know. Yesterday i went to his house and spent an hour and a half with him and it was wonderful. i just missed him so much. but, my heart still hurts. I think it hurts even more, because i don't know if i will see him in Heaven. I'm praying that i will.