"Divorce leaves a cloud of dust that never settles."

If your parents, relatives, or even friends have divorced, i think that you would agree with the statment above. I'm currently reading the book "The Children of Divorce" and it is interesting. I am a child of divorce. I was the evidence of what my parents love was. Even if my father refuses to state that now. In the book, it was saying that the biggest impact in our Great-Grandparents life was Pearl Harbor, then for our Grandparents it was Kennedy being shot, and for us and our parents generation... divorce. It's so scary to think about it in that way. That something like Divorce can be as big as an attack on U.S. soil or the Murder of a U.S. President.


I'll never forget the divorce, but it doesn't bother me everyday like it used to. I love my father very much, we just don't have the relationship that we used to have anymore. It's sad, but i have A LOT of "Fathers" besides my real dad. I'm so incredible Thankful. I know that i couldn't have gotten through such a rough and difficult time without them. I also have many incredible "Mothers" as well. They would be there for me when i was having a difficult day, and be there for me when I had a great day. I couldn't of have made it through without you guys. God has blessed me with a lot of Mothers and Fathers.
When i really needed influence espeically when things were really difficult for my mom, you guys were there. Thank you so much! God placed you in my life for a reason, and i don't know what i would do without you.


I don't know how my mom was able to raise me. ;) I know it was at the help of all of the great influences in my life.  I'll be privilegded to be even half the women my mom is when i'm a mother.


God has blesssed my family and I so much. We don't know what we would do without God. I am so grateful that I can be so stupid and God welcomes me back with wide open arms. This year has truly been amazing, and I feel like i've grown so so so much in my relationship with my Lord and Savior.  It's amazing how much you learn about God, and you learn about yourself as well. I'll never walk away from my Jesus Christ again. Never. And I've learned that I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know what my relationship is with Christ, and that's all that counts. I'm living for my Christ, I'm living for my Savior.


This year will be our 7th Christmas without my Dad. I still miss him. My Parent's would've been married 26 years on Wednesday. Being a child that has divorce parents, stinks. But you get over it. Actually, you begin to heal. I'll never completely accept it. I'm not the one that has to let go and forgive. I can't judge my father. I miss him. But i'm letting Go. It's time right?

I'm going to Walk By Faith, because without God, I am nothing.



And If you want to read a really great book, read "The Children of Divorce."

Is not the "Broken Girl" anymore.

There's so many things that can be said about being broken. Espeically a broken girl. Up until recently, i've felt like a broken person. That why would anyone want to love me. Especially with just starting out in life as it is, I haven't found "the one" yet. But it's ok. God made me realize that I wasn't ready for a relationship because i wasn't happy with my self. I will always be in the process of healing. I was broken. God has also taught me from being single, that it is a gift from him. I'm not tied down by commitments. I know that God will point myself in the right direction. And he'll def. let me know when i find "the one." Being broken isn't easy by all means. But i've recovered. I've been there. And now i'm back. In God's Arms.

I learned in life, you just have to left go and give everything, i mean everything over to God. I want to challenge you. Pray for your future sponse, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, husband, wife. Pray because this world is such a scary place. Pray for them to overide the temptation. Just Pray.


Matthew West just came out with his song. And it's totally perfect on how i felt. Because, I was that "Broken Girl."


"Look what he’s done to you

It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast


Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past




This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl


Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight


Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast


Now words like innocence
Don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can’t sing


Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl


Let your tears touch the ground
Lay all your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl, girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl"

Lately

Lately i've been thinking a lot about my Dad. A lot about how he feels, I wonder what he thought when he decided to sleep with another women besides his wife. I wonder how he felt when he was leaving his children. I wonder what it was like for him to just simply walk away from everything he had. I want to know how he felt when i started balling because i realized what he was doing. I want to know exactly how he feels after all these years. I want to know how he feels about not having the same relationships with his children as he did back then. I want to know just how he feels inside.  I just want to know if he felt any sadness at all. If he didn't, then fine.

I would just like to pick through his head and i just want him to realize how him leaving screwed with my emotions. I mean, i don't know. Yesterday i went to his house and spent an hour and a half with him and it was wonderful. i just missed him so much. but, my heart still hurts. I think it hurts even more, because i don't know if i will see him in Heaven. I'm praying that i will.

"We are what we believe we are." -C.S. Lewis

"We are what we believe we are." -C.S. Lewis

What does this quote mean to you? I believe exactly what is says.
I am what i believe i am.

A Loser
Ugly
Not going to be anything in life
hopeless
helpless
isn't going to succed
anything but great.
to emotional for anyone.


i really don't know how i can think those things because God created me in his image. God Loves me. but i just can't help it. i just need a break from everyone. Bye.

Things.

at times, i don't know what is exactly wrong with me. At other times, i feel completely fine. I feel like i'm never good enough for anyone. So, when i start getting close to people, i just get insecure. Because why would an awesome person want to be friends with me. I'm so so so so sick and tired of being so insecure. I just hate it. It's the worst thing about me. And i don't know how to get over it. I don't think i'm good enough for anyone. I need to get over this. i really do.

No more Charlie Brown.

"A realization of the universal lack of self-confidence tends to strengthen one’s own."
Anonymous

I have never been the one to have confidence. I've never had the confidence to speak up in a room full of people. I've never had the confidence to be me. I've always wondered why people like other people better. It's because they are confident in themselves. Nobody wants to be around someone that isn't confident. I know it drives me crazy when i'm around people that are always bringing themselves down. I don't want to be the Charlie Brown in the group anymore. Because if i'm not Charlie Brown anymore, I will finally be comfortable with myself. and it's not even that. I need to love who God made me. God made me into this wonderful women. A woman that is chasing after his heart. That's all i need. I'm getting rid of the Megan Version of Charlie Brown. and just being me. I thought i had to be something special. I thought i have to stand out like to me everyone else is. I'm just me. God created me. And that's good enough for me.


"Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."
 1 Peter 3:3-4

Living in the Present Time

I read this really interesting blog, that interests me so much.
This lady was talking about her relationship with her Dad. It's funny that we've never met, but we have similar sitituations. We both stand in Hallmark before Father's Day and TRY to find a card for our father's. But nothing says it. i wish a hallmark card would say
" Dad i love you, but our relationship is just to hard. and depressing at sometimes. Dad, I want you to tell me that you love me and that i'm beautiful. Dad, just reverse everything that you do, and it'll be perfect." I know... it's a joke.... I could never tell my Dad, to reverse how he is that everything will be perfect... But, I want a Dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my father's that def. have stepped in over the years. But it's just something special, when your own dad does something for you. I don't remember the last time i was told that i was beautiful. Or that he loves me.
It's been seven years. I understand it. But shouldn't it be getting better now? I actually have a conversation with his wife. I have more of a conversation with her than i do him. I miss my dad. I really do. So, it makes me nervous how am i going to turn out. I was told, that i shouldn't live in the past, that i shouldn't worry about the future, that i should just live in the present. And that's what i'm really trying to do. So, this is Day 1.
So, i need to write out my worries. If you don't want to read anymore that's fine. =)
I'm worried that i'm going to turn out like previous people in my family. My Great Grandma left my grandfather for another man, my Grandma left my Grandfather, and my Dad left my Mom for another women. I'm just so worried that i'm going to do the same! I know that God is at the certain of my life, so no way God is going to let that happen. Because my Marriage is going to be focused on God. I can still be nervous right?
I don't want my kids to  have to go through the pain that i had to go through. I don't want them to never see their father. I want my marriage to be against the divorce % in America. I want better. So much better.
My other concern, I'm worried that i will be to emotional for my husband. Let's face it. I need to know and remember that God created me in his image. And he loves me and he wants me to love myself. Ugh. So many things that i still need to learn and i'm 21!! shouldn't i know this by now? I need to learn to love myself before i let a man love me. How though.
I'm not looking for a man right now. I have one in mind. But, me being in i don't feel like it will happen. But i know that if it's in God's will, it will. But UGH!  So, these are the things that i feel that are wrong with me. I feel like i have a very ugly face. I don't like it when people look at me. I hate that i'm big chested, because i know that that's all guys look at. I hate that I don't like wearing clothes that fit me perfectly, i like wearing baggy clothes. I hate that i don't like my personality. I hate that I haven't become that person that I wanted to. I hate that i get jealous so easiley! I hate the fact, that i feel alone all the time. I hate the fact, that i don't have any friends (but who would blame you), I just don't like myself. And i hate it. So, def. no chance for me.

So God, What do you want me to learn, and feel, and act like, and be. What type of women do you want me to be Lord God?

I want better

I always say that i'm fine when i'm really not.
I always want to put people especially people that i care about before me. and.. I do.
I want to scream sometimes, but i don't. I don't want people to worry about me. Because, that's how i am.
I just want to say that i'm completely ok. But, i then know that i would be lying to myself.
I know that i will be ok and will move on and have moved on from past experiences in my life. Because, yes, God has blessed me with everything. I would be nothing without him. I wouldn't of have made it without God. From now on. I want better for my life. Yes, I will never forgot everything, but i want better and it's not going to be holding me back anymore. I'll never forget anything that went on during my parents divorce. I'll never be able to forgot that horrible night, (that i can't even talk about because it's just to painful night) in december. I'll never be able to forget any of it. But, i want better for my life. Only with God's help. Because, i know that i won't be able to do it without him. I don't want these horrible sitituations that i couldn't prevent to effect my whole life. Because it would. I'm going to let everything go and give it to God, because. I want better. I don't want to hold on to these sitituations when i'm getting married, raising a family. It's going to be different. I am going to grow old with my future husband because, divorce isn't an option. For better or for worse. Unless he passes away before we get to grow old together. :'( 
But here, I am a person that has made it through things that i've never dreamed off. And God has put it on my heart to let it go, because i want better. and I'm giving it our to my Savior!!
I'm a Savior of many things. And it's all because of my Lord Jesus.

Letting Go. =)

Lord, you are my everything. I don't know what i would do without you now. I depend so much on you Lord. and the great thing is that I know that you will never leave me. Lord, your teaching me how to let things go and not let it bother me. I'm trying very hard Lord.
I didn't expect to have everyone with open arms when i did come back to church Lord, and decided that i was going to Live for You Lord God. but, a little bit for welcoming than what it is. But, i know that when i see someone at church that hasn't been there for awhile. i know that i'm going to go up to that person and talk to them like crazy. because i know that it was so so so hard for me to come back to Church Lord God. And i don't want people to be in the same boat that i was in, and currrently am trying to overcome. The people that i used to share secrets with or even worship you with Lord God, are gone. But it is ok. I'm letting Go. Because i didn't come back to church, for them Lord God. I came back to church for You. and If they don't want to have a friendship with me. that's ok Lord, because if we are suppose to reconnect. We will. I'm done, i'm over this. I'm letting go. and knowing that you will never leave me.
So for those of you that were "worried" about me. Don't be. The once upset Megan. now has peace, because of God. =)

I think you're Beautiful

My Prince

"I am ready to let you make me a Beautiful reflection of who you are. Let me fix my eyes upon You that i may see myself as you see me. I am ready to walk through the rest of my life as your Princess Bride. I no longer want anyone but You, my Lord and Prince, to define my true beauty. So please, open my heart that I may receive Your words of truth about who i really am!!"

Living and Discovering God.

Today is a brand new day. I felt like it was a brand new day about a year and a half ago. But when i wake up every morning and decide to follow Jesus, and i want to be a follower in Christ. It's a brand new day. I love feeling the Love of Jesus Christ every single day.Today, God put several thoughts in my head. Of course they are always good thoughts, but it doesn't always make it easy. In late November, early december i wrote something about all of my feelings from my life of the past seven years. I'm not ashamed of it one bit. It needed to be said, and someone in my family took it the wrong way, and basically attacked me. They were my feelings. Yes, it's been SEVEN years.... but yes, divorce hurts and it will always but they were simply my feelings. I've learned so much in the past years of respecting people even when i don't think they should be respected. I learned at the hardest time in my life to respect or just try to have respect for my Dad's immediate family. It's really hard when your parents are the ones getting divorce certain people are backing up and going behind your back accepting what they did with arms wide open. But, that's not the point. The point is, when there is a divorce or a seperated... people shouldn't take sides. They need to pray pray pray pray. Prayer is the most important thing!! When i finally discovered God, life was so so so much better!!!! Yes, i did leave for awhile.... when i decided to leave i felt like i needed to have control over my life. At the time, I needed to feel like that. Certain circumstances lead me to that point. But, i let it feel like i needed to be in control. So i left all of my friends, especially my really close friends. I left a family that i love so dearly and they still love me, but it's not the same. It will never be the same. Life has def. changed in the past couple of years. I had my first boyfriend... but he wasn't a Christian and it didn't really bother me because i wasn't really going to church. Having a boyfriend that wasn't a Christian was so so so hard. Especially when Christ started to pull me back to him. I couldn't talk about Christ in front of my boyfriend. So, that's when i really started to see that i needed to break up with him, because i wanted a relationship that Christ was at the center our relationship. so, i broke up with him and i feel like that was the greatest decision that i ever made. I was in a relationship with a man that i didn't even love. I was in the relationship because I needed to feel needed. You see, he had kidney failure, and he constantly needed someone to take care of him and i was ready to do it because he didn't have anyone else. But, all he really needed was God.So, what God has put on my Heart is finding a new Church. It is really hard to think about leaving my current Church because i love the preaching. and the worship. But that's it. I realized that I get really upset because the friends that i used to have, don't really have anything to do with me anymore. But, I'm in Church!! I'm suppose to be worshipping and learning more about our Glorious Creator!! and i can't focus because of these people!!!! But, when my sister comes we are going to look for another church. And i was thinking about asking my Dad to come and join us because he doesn't really like the church that he goes to currently, so that means that he usually doesn't go. So, if he goes that means his family will go. And is it just me.... do you think it would be weird.... and i just don't know how to explain it. I mean... it would be great if his family went to because then they would be learning about Jesus!!! but, if anybody know's even a little bit of what went on they would understand.... but i just don't know!!!!!! I keep on thinking about What Would Jesus Do? i think of the adulterous (Sp?) woman. "If you have no sinned, throw the first stone" i just think it would be weird. but good at the same time... does that mean sense?